The Perfect Oxymoron

It's January. That means everyone is making new year's resolutions. The kind that last for a month, maybe two, and then fade into the fog of everyday life. As in the gym is jam packed for one month--and one month only-- kind of resolutions. (Seriously, ever tried to get a treadmill at the gym in January?) Everyone is going to exercise, eat better, watch less TV, drink more water, read more. You name it. I've never really believed in new year's resolutions for that exact reason, I just disappoint and annoy myself when I can't keep up with my own expectations of myself. Ha. Now that's never good for the ego.

But really, I often wonder if those resolutions might disguise a desperate search for a fresh start, a struggle to be freed from, well, at least parts of, this life. The "I need to get my act together so I'll start with the outside, not the inside" theory. Or the "I will be a better person next year because I know there is something missing" attitude. But then the next new year rolls around, and nothing has changed. Sound familiar?

Do you ever sit back and watch people? I don't mean the "oh that's a bad outfit" kind of people watching. I mean the really sit back and watch people kind. What they are searching for. What they are pursuing. Where they are rushing. What their stories are. How they have handled the hurt in life. How they have loved. How they have lost. How they have found contentment. Or have they? So often I fear it is an empty pursuit. A pursuit of what? It's the aimless hope that more money, another relationship, new possessions, or the fulfillment of dreams can satisfy. Take almost any mainstream music ever created--it's about the pursuit of a love yet to be found, a love lost, a life desired, or just having fun. It's about blocking out the current state of life and searching for what we want out of this life, typically the life we don't have. I've totally been there. Haven't you? It's easy to identify with the music.

Once again, however, I've discovered beauty amidst this potentially threatening and self absorbed thinking. So much of life is an oxymoron, and this is no exception. It can be summed up in one sentence. You must lose your life to find it. (Matthew 10: 39, Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, John 12:25.) That sentence does not say chase after your life to find it. It does not say your life will be better as soon as you have everything you want. It does not say some superficial new year's resolutions that focus on the external (not the internal) will make anything better. It does not mean chasing after your own happiness or things that you think you need or want is the answer. It says lose your life. It means lay down your life and desires. It means understanding life is not about you. (Ya, really.) Seek after Jesus Christ with the entirety of your life first and foremost, most importantly in your heart, desires, and actions. Understand what it means to want what Christ wants--what His plan is--for your life, not what you want, or think you want. And then embrace that in every facet of life. Lay down your life plan, let go of your desires. Accept that His are far better. Pray that He will use you for His purposes. And then give of yourself--volunteer, mentor, serve, forgo the new shirt and write a check to feed a hungry child for a week. Make a difference in someone's life. Make your life count. Seek after your relationship with Christ and fall in love with Him; and then seek after anything that glorifies Him, not yourself. That is fulfillment. That is what life's all about. As soon as we understand that, everything starts to make sense. And I promise it works.

What if all it takes to get our life together is to cease striving after problems and desires, and to simply be still and know that He is God? To really attempt to glimpse who God is. Happiness does not come by seeking it, but by seeking outside yourself, outside your life. AND THEN a profound sense of purpose, a profound sense of love that will never fail surfaces, and then rewards you, not only with happiness, but with deep unabashed joy.

I've been a Christian for a long time, and have always desired to "lose my life." But this year, new light has been shed on the concept. So this is my new year's resolution: to lose my life. And to me that means letting go of the life I have planned, how I think my life should be going, or what I think I deserve. That's when frustration, anger, tension, and unhappiness disappear, because the life I've been given is right where Christ wants me, it's His perfect plan for my life. It may not necessarily be what I think I want, but it ends up being exactly what I need, and thus what I actually do want, because He knows me better than I know myself. Now that's beautiful.

This year, may we lose our lives. May He become greater and we become less. Pursue things worthy of pursuit. That means Jesus Christ and anything that glorifies Him. Keep life in perspective. You may need to pay a visit to the hospital or jail to keep life in perspective for you, but just do it. And you know what? As my heart and attitude were becoming right, everything else began to fall into place--as in I got my life together, because my head was in the right place.  My priorities fell right into place behind the most important priority. And it turns out, because of that, I ended up accomplishing all those typical superficial new year's resolutions anyway without any real struggle. Because transformation starts with the inside. It starts with understanding what your priorities are, what life is all about, embracing that, and learning to live in the grace of it. When you focus on the life you have (not the one you think you want) you wish to make the most of this very moment! I organized my life. I joined the 6:00 a.m. club (don't laugh, it means I wake up at 6:00 am or 6:20 every morning) to start my day off right in the Word, in prayer, and unrushed. I am volunteering, I'm exercising regularly, I'm saving up for a missions trip. And I've never been happier.

It comes natural when I understand this world is not meant to be sought after, and most certainly not chased after, but to enjoy the present and merely look forward to the future--God's plan for the future. When I finally understand it's about letting go, investing in my relationship with my Savior and with other people, and then trusting that this, right here, right now is perfect, and that ultimately, my future is completely taken care of, that leads to an unrivaled contentment, peace, and joy. You have to deal with the inside before you can deal with the outside, and then everything will fall into place. There is one thing, and one thing only worthy of my pursuit. To lose my life for the sake of Jesus Christ. That's the oxymoron of life. That's a true new year's resolution; the only one that will actually make a difference. I dare you to embrace it.

“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable
explanation is that we were made for another world.”
― C.S. Lewis

Mercies Renewed and a Vanilla Americano

First week back to work after a two week break. Rough. And let me tell you, I had a fantastic attitude about it.

It went a little like this--and don't lie, I know you can relate. These are the moments in life I swear I fail my sanctification test for the day. You'd think I'd learn my lesson at some point. I drug myself out of bed. Scratch that, I hit snooze five times and then drug myself out of bed, (and I'm not a morning person in the first place) so it really was rough. I managed something out of my mouth that resembled "morning," poured my coffee, eyeballs half open--it's a wonder it made it into the cup. Barely made it to the shower, not smiling, not happy to be up. Convinced I was going to rip anyone's head off if they said anything to me before I downed at least one cup of coffee, determined I was going to be exhausted all day long until I hit the sack again that night. Ever wake up excited to go back to sleep that night? That's never a good sign. Anyway, you get the idea, I had a lovely attitude (not). I said a short cryptic prayer on my way to work that the Lord would "help my attitude." Sometimes I forget this, but God hears even those cryptic prayers--be careful what you pray for.

Suffice to say, He answered my prayer. In His loving way (undeserving though I was), He reminded me of how blessed I am, exhausted or not. Remember that journey I talked about in my first post? How the beauty is most often found in the journey, not necessarily in the end? Today was a perfect example. Despite my determination to be in a bad mood, He made His presence known. He reminded me of the beauty of this life.

First of all, let this not go unstated, Starbucks just so happens to be one of those blessings, I don't care what anyone says.

Thank you Vanilla Americano with room for cream. (When I'm in desperate need of caffeine, that's my drink of choice.)

Aside from my Starbucks, a gentle flood of words, thoughts, and interactions reshaped my attitude for the day. God is good. He meets you right where you are at, as ridiculous as that place might be. He is still God. And I'm still awestruck by His faithfulness.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-24
(How can you be in a bad mood being reminded of a promise as incredible as that? Hey, if He cares enough to promise me new mercies every single morning, especially after the morning attitude I had, that's a firm reminder of His constant faithfulness.)

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
(Once again, following that instruction, oh boy, there is most certainly no room for my bad attitude. Rejoice in the hope before me, both in this life as well as Heaven that awaits. That brings so much joy and excitement. It leaves the cares of this moment and this life as trivial and unimportant. Be patient in tribulation--I would say my "rough" morning was my tribulation, but good grief, that isn't even close. I just needed an attitude adjustment on that one. (Regardless, it's a good reminder for when real tribulation strikes, but honestly, there are times when even daily life can feel like tribulation.) Constant in prayer. Ha, definitely no room for a bad attitude when talking to the Creator of the Universe.

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship." A line from one of my favorite Hillsong worship songs. That's right. ALL my life, EVERY season. Even the seasons that aren't as great as others.

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light my strength my song. This Cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. What heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My Comforter, my All in All." Another favorite song. When verses like these and songs like this are shaping your thoughts...strangely, EVERYTHING else grows dim in their light.

He will reshape your attitude by reshaping the way you think.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Because his love is perfect. My future is secure. His grace is sufficient. His plans for my life are solidified. I have nothing to worry about. And there is most certainly no room for a bad mood.

In addition, that day he blessed me with a wonderful lunch out with a coworker and friend, a productive work day, a gorgeous sunset on the way home, and a blast of an evening home with my siblings (whom I miss very much when they are away). He brought me a long way from grumpy pants this morning (which just seems so silly in comparison to the glory of the Lord).

Don't forget to reflect on the beauty of the journey, even when it's not obvious. It can always be found disguised in anything from a simple cup of coffee, a cherished relationship, a productive day, a stranger's smile, witnessing an artwork masterpiece in the sky, or a first hand account of Christ meeting you right where you are. The beauty is always there. He is always faithful.

Misplaced Satisfaction

You know those tough, but valuable lessons I mentioned in my last post? Oh boy, here is one of them, a BIG one of them.

Understanding this will help you understand a bit better where I’m coming from. Actually, my lack of understanding of this lesson in particular, was, I learned, a huge part of what caused failure in many of my relationships (of all kinds). Da da da daaa. Ya. Yucky. Trust me, I know. But, by God’s grace, He showed me--there’s that incredible love of His I talked about that I don’t always like at the time; but that love never fails to be beautiful, is always perfect, and of course, plays a role in creating me into the woman I am meant to me. Painful as it might be (though love and grace ALWAYS cushion that pain).

Ok, here goes. I’m learning that pride is actually misplaced satisfaction. Let me explain. Satisfaction in anything other than Christ is turning to yourself or other things for fulfillment, when the only true, fulfilling satisfaction comes from the very nature of who Christ is, nothing else. So, in turn, pride is a form of unbelief—it is a lack of trust in His love, His grace, His ability to satisfy. Let that sink in for a moment. Ya, I just drew the connection between pride and unbelief. Yikes. (Adapted from John Piper’s book Battling Unbelief.)

So, if pride is misplaced satisfaction, then everyone must struggle with placing their satisfaction somewhere other than Christ, right? To get you thinking, I’ll explain where I struggle with placing mine. Here’s my problem —I figured out that I tend to place my satisfaction in, and gain fulfillment from people and relationships. Not necessarily only romantic relationships, but any form of relationships—friendships, family, even acquaintances. I love being around people, spending time with people, talking to people, I’m a total people person! (Hear me out, there is nothing wrong with this in moderation). I’m happy when my relationships are going well, when my time is filled with things to do, and I absolutely can’t stand it when they aren’t going well. People have a huge effect on me. (If you know me at all, I’m sure you are laughing right about now.) It’s always been a joke among my friends and family that I hate being by myself, but not until recently did I realize that it’s actually a weakness of mine. When people have that much of an influence on you, they begin to control your mood, your actions, your thoughts, and slowly but surely my life became people-centered, not Christ centered.  Are you beginning to see how this is misplaced satisfaction? Oh boy, not good at all. (If your struggle isn’t with people and relationships, then I challenge you to think of where it might be.)

So...Confession. Part of this whole relying on people thing manifested itself in romantic relationships. Let me say this, placing my contentment in a guy was incredibly unfair to anyone in a relationship with me. 

Ok, time for some serious girl talk. GIRLS, we especially are horrible at this placing our satisfaction in a guy thing. This is the kind of thing that makes boys run, it so SO unattractive. Oh come on, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Getting clingy, wanting a hug at just the right moment (and getting upset if he doesn’t pick up on our subtle little signals), wanting him to know exactly what we are thinking (seriously boys can’t read minds??), wanting him to say the perfect thing at the perfect time, you name it.  Sound familiar? Well, duh, when we are seeking our satisfaction in a guy, of course, we need him to be perfect! We will have unrealistic expectations, disappointment will devastate, not having all his time to ourselves will destroy us. So, what do we do to combat our disappointments? Well, naturally, we follow in Eve’s obedient, godly footsteps (ahem, dripping with sarcasm.) We manipulate. We play mind games. We use tears. We use fights. We are ridiculous. Let me give you a picture of how this plays out. You name it, we cause an argument over it, because he isn’t fulfilling us…we start ridiculous arguments to put up walls to see if he cares enough to break those walls down and pursue us. And then when he ultimately doesn't fulfill us, we essentially self-medicate and move on to the next one. Yikes again. No wonder guys call us confusing, have commitment issues, and don’t have a clue what to do with us at times.

Nothing will kill a relationship faster than this. Seeking satisfaction in a human being is not only bound to fail and too much pressure for one person to handle, but it is unattractive and annoying.

When we turn to guys to fulfill our emotional needs we get crazy!—We have a constant need for reassurance. I, for one, became needy, insecure, and vulnerable in relationships. Oh. My. Gosh. The words are bitter on my own tongue. I swore I’d never be THAT girl. Oh and it frustrated me that’s who I was turning into because that wasn’t me! I mean come on. I’ve always been a strong independent person, so what happened?? Correction, I was always a strong independent person when my satisfaction was found in something steadfast, unchanging, eternal, and perfectly loving; and when my trust was entirely in God’s grace and His plan for my life. But somewhere along the line I didn’t understand that, and I’m afraid so many girls do the same exact thing.

Let me be clear, I will always be a people person. I will always be energized by being around people. But too much of that is dangerous, and completely unfair to those relationships. It puts a massive amount of pressure on people to be perfect, to never disappoint, to never let you down. Oh, and they always will disappoint. They always will let you down. They are only human; perfection is an entirely unfair expectation.  So here’s what I learned, Christ is enough! His Word is enough. His love is enough. His provision for my life is enough. His sovereignty is enough. His grace in my life is enough. His grace is perfect--that means where He has me right now is not a mistake. The trials I have gone through and will go through are not mistakes. He knows exactly where He wants to take me in life and who He wants me to become, and I’m right on track. His grace for my life, in spite of me, is PERFECT. All of a sudden, a long delay in the grocery line isn’t an inconvenience, because it could be protection from a car accident, or a providential meeting with someone. All of a sudden, a break-up isn’t a bad thing, it’s because He has a different plan--better than you could ever imagine! All of a sudden, little inconveniences and big disappointments alike are part of a bigger plan and purpose. (If this intrigues you, please read John Piper’s Battling Unbelief book, it’s incredible.)

And let me tell you, when you focus on that, it will change your whole way of thinking. Suddenly, people won’t control you. Suddenly, everything fades, it becomes dim in the light of HIM, His glory, His love. It changed me. Suddenly this world fell to second best, not most important. It created in me an ability to occasionally be by myself, to be content in my circumstances, to become a strong person again, to be satisfied in the depth of Christ’s love (not myself, my happiness, other people, or constantly filling my time with things other than Christ), and it is a beautiful thing unlike anything I’ve ever known before. All this dependence on people (or for you, other things) is not only shockingly empty and unsatisfying, it has proven to disguise my need for Christ. 

Now that I understand this, I cannot express to you the depth of contentment in my relationship with Christ I’ve experienced, and as a result, depth of peace I’ve understood like never before. And that love, contentment, and peace surpasses any human relationship I’ve ever had or ever will have--It is a quiet confidence in His love for me and provision for my life, and well, simply, his very nature.

The most exciting part of all this is the outcome. When my relationship with Christ is all that it should be, when I am filled up and entirely content and satisfied in His love for me, in the fact that I am His child, THAT is when I am filled up to enjoy life, to serve and love others—not to take from others, not to be selfish in my relationships, but a free, entirely selfless love. And THAT is where true joy and satisfaction come from.

A Road Unexpected, A Grace Undeserved

Every little girl dreams of a fairytale life, right? I mean one of those perfect Disney movie story lines--girl falls prey to some dramatic damsel-in-distress state (think Snow White and Sleeping Beauty), or currently exists in some completely dull life state (think Cinderella and Little Mermaid), and then, you know the drill, Prince Charming comes in, saves the princess from her near-death state or totally boring life, and they live happily ever after.

EERRCHH. Ya. Right. I don't know about you, but that is not how my life has gone. Yikes. No way. We may not eat poisonous apples, live under the sea with no legs, or end up locked in a dungeon, but I have most certainly felt trapped in my own life at times. (And yes, at those moments I've often thought 'um, excuse me, where is my Knight in Shining Armor right now?'--wouldn't it be nice to send out a Batman signal or something?) But at those moments there is sure as heck no prince charming sweeping in on a white horse to save me from my less-than-thrilling existence. Actually, it is often the men I thought were my prince charming(s) who have quite successfully thrown me into a downward spiral of frustration, and ugh, hate to say it, tears. We are obsessed with a fairytale life, (hey Disney, thanks for the unrealistic expectations). Ever wonder why Twilight is such a sensation? Same exact fairy tale, prince charming concept. But here we are, switch back to real life. (Now don't get me wrong...I lead an exceptionally blessed life filled with incredible friends and family, a great job, and dreams of my own) But, when enough of those fairytale dreams don't consistently come true, we are left with an exceptionally unfulfilling life-- if that's all it's about. And let me add this--even if you have ended up with a fairytale life, I can only imagine it wasn't without a few bumps and bruises, because that's the nature of the life we live. (But I can also imagine those bumps and bruises were painful, and that you're still learning and growing.)

And here's where I had to learn some very difficult lessons about life and about relationships (of all kinds). And for some reason, I have a feeling you can relate, whichever category you may fall into. I speak to you, not as someone who has all the answers, is an expert, or has life all figured out by any means. TRUST ME. I merely speak to you as someone who has been there. I get it. Allow me the privilege of taking you on a journey, a journey where I've found beauty amidst ashes and joy amidst pain. I've learned contentment. I've learned joy. I've learned love. I've seen and experienced a transparent view of the beauty of my Savior's love. His love is not always easy or how I think it should be. But it's always perfect. It's beautiful. And it has me awestruck.  (And it's a journey I'm still on!)

I'd like to challenge you that a fairytale life is not what it's all about. A "perfect" life is not the epitome of happiness. Nope, not even close. What if life is bigger than you, what you see, and your momentary happiness? What if the trials you've encountered have lessons buried beneath waiting to transform your life? What if loneliness, the moments you think you need your knight (or the moments that you think you need your perfect life, if you already have your knight), actually cause you to seek the face of your Savior? What if beauty is most often found in the middle of the darkest nights, in the midst of pain and lessons to be learned? What if your blessings are meant to come through rain, and your healing is meant to come through tears? What if hundreds of sleepless nights are what it takes to know Christ is near, to understand what life is about, why you were ultimately created, yes, created with a purpose, not happenstance. What if trials are actually mercies in disguise? What if your life is going exactly the way it was planned? What if your satisfaction should not be placed in any guy or any perfect fairytale life, but in Jesus Christ himself? What if finally beginning to comprehend who Jesus Christ is, is the answer in and of itself? There is so much to be learned, discovered, enjoyed about your own journey--let it create in you a passion for this life, a longing for His glory, a love for people like you've never known. May you discover the grace waiting to be understood, the beauty waiting to be embraced. All this, this confusion, this craziness, these lessons learned, this journey, can be summed up in two words: grace and love. But the beauty isn't always found in the end, it's most often found in the journey.